Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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