I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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