My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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