Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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