I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
