This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
