Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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