sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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