please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
