apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Congratulations! We have a period
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
