But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
