So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
