Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
