we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
