I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
