5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
