He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
