youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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