Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
