I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
bring money and cleavage
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
