Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.