there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
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I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
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He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf