True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
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Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.