I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
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Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
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pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass