No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
