apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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