Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
