If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
