i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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