Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
