Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
