i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
