toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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