Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
