I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am midnight drunk by noon
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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