Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
