where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
