I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
