She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
cat food counts as protein by the way
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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