I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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