i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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