Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
