this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
