does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
