well I can't set my house on fire every night
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
