The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
