I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
