i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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