I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
