Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
