is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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