I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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