I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
