he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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