just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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