In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
