he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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