Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
