I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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