My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
