her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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