i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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