Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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