Just fell off a train. Bad.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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